“With so many paths, the future is really forked up!”

{ 12/02/2009 @ 5:38 AM } · { Uncategorized }
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Hopefully the title makes you chuckle a little. I write this at a time in my life when many things are uncertain and I’m really reaching out for some clarity and direction. To many this is the first line of communication that I have thrown out in awhile. Hopefully someone still checks this blog, here it goes.

First, the most pressing change in my life is the fact that I’m moving on Monday. Due to a long series of events, Melissa and I are moving out of Runaway Bay and relocating to Mason. Some of you may wonder why Mason and where in Mason. The reason why we are moving to Mason is because currently, Melissa and I cannot afford an apartment on our own and GLCC does not have the room for us on campus. Our only real option to avoid homelessness is to accept the wonderful hospitality of a fellow South Lansing Christian Church member. She lives alone in a house literally 4 houses down from my Grandparents. She is willing to rent out her basement to us for pretty cheap. It’s not the most ideal of living situations… but it’s something and we are grateful to just have something.

Second, Melissa and I are drawing closer and closer for our time at GLCC to come to an end. I’m on schedule to graduate in May. Melissa is set to graduate as soon as she finishes this semester and take some online classes. The future in this regard scares me. I’ve always held that I would pass on Seminary and go straight to working. However, the job market isn’t great right now… even for the church. I have applied to one job opening. It’s a campus ministry staff position through InterVarsity. I already went through the preliminary phone interview. It was a pleasant experience and I’ve already been referred to the Michigan Branch Director and he has already responded asking for a face-to-face interview… 2 weeks before I was told he would even read my resume. This job, what I know of it, sounds like it is everything I could want for a ministry. I’d be working with a team of people at a secular college campus and have the opportunity to build relationships with a myriad of people with differing backgrounds and views. I would love to have this be my job. But I’m hesitant… because all InterVarsity staff have to raise their own support. I would fully have to rely on the generous giving of others to support myself and my family. I feel very conflicted with this. I trust God to care of me. I know that if I’m doing His work for His Kingdom… I’ll have exactly what I need. So what’s the problem?

Third, Melissa and I recently learned that we are expecting our first child. This is exciting but frightening. How can I place everything on a job with no guarantees? no security? Especially, when I have a wife and child to care for? I want so badly to just trust that this is what God wants me to do and then I’ll get the job and receive enough money to live. But what if God has other plans… I won’t be taken care of. People don’t take a job that doesn’t pay. But I’m not supposed to be like most people… I strive hard to not be like most people. Because most people are selfish and place their faith in earthly things that will decay and wither away… Jesus called me to live a life that goes against the grain. THIS is as against the grain that I have found… But I hesitate… why? Because it isn’t just about me. I made a vow to love, honor, and cherish my wife. As her husband, I am the person who is responsible for her. If I can’t provide for her needs (not her wants, but her needs) than do I fail as a husband? Babies are a lot of work and cost a lot of money to take care of… how can I deprive my child of the basic essentials for his/her life and development? This has plagued me for the last few weeks. I smile and say things are going to be fine… but I’m a liar. I don’t know things are going to be fine. Life has dictated at numerous occasions that though it’s ultimately for a great reason… life sucks. I know that isn’t a pretty, scholarly word oozing with taste and intelligence; but it really is the best word to describe what I’m feeling.

Let me be clear, I DO NOT regret this blessing. I couldn’t be happier to become a father and it has proven to be the best gift for Melissa. She is a mom. Some people are just made to be certain things. Hemingway was a writer, Roosevelt was a president, Melissa is a mother. If you could see the glimming hope that sparkles in those beautiful hazel eyes of hers, you would have no doubt that she wants nothing more than to have a child. I live to see Melissa have that hope.

The thing that is holding me back is just not knowing what to do. Melissa can’t graduate this year. It just can’t be done. We both want to graduate together and move on. But I fear that if I graduate and she has the baby… she’ll never finish. I can delay graduating and shoot to make my minor a major. This could allow us possibly to get back into married housing… which would remedy raising a baby in a basement of a house that is not my own. But that’s another year of tests, papers, classes… I don’t go to classes as it is because I’m just so tired of it. I hate school. I hate busywork. I hate learning about ministry and not applying it to the full extent that I know that I could if all the other busy work didn’t shackel me. Which translates to this, If I stay at GLCC another year… there is no way I can take the InterVarsity job or any other full time job. How do I support my family then?

I know this is alot that I’m griping about. I know that I’m more precious than birds and therefore my calculations of my worth to God are written in red letters across my thoughts that scream, “Stop worrying! Stop doubting! God is with you! What more is there?!” I guess my reason for this is to one, get it out of my head so I can sleep. Two, make those who care aware so that I can ask for prayer, because I need that more than anything. But three, I’m seeking sagely advice. Should I continue pushing for this InterVaristy thing? Should I stay in school another year? Should I just try a different job prospect? Anyone is welcome to weigh in.

I love you all. I want you to know that. With God I can do all things, but without family and friends I do things without knowing why. You guys are my guideposts, my support. I’m here begging and pleading… I need you now more than ever. Go in peace.

~Godspeed,

Randy

“Easy to find what’s wrong, harder to find what’s right”

{ 23/03/2008 @ 6:48 AM } · { Venting }
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Hero

1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.

2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal.

3. The principal male character in a story, play, film, etc.

4. Classical Mythology

a. a being of godlike prowess and beneficence who often came to be honored as a divinity.

5. the bread or roll used in making a hero sandwich.

I’m a person who loves heroes. I’ve spent my life admiring heroes of great stature. Fictional characters that inspire people to lay things on the line for others. I’ve always had a soft spot for the story of a hero. Spider-man, Batman, and the sort. Even stories of real life heroes like fire fighters and policemen, they make me feel good inside to know that we have heroes in this life.

I’ve always wanted that. I’ve always wanted to be a hero to someone. I don’t mean in the cheesy Enrique Iglesias sense of the word. I don’t mean that I have aspirations to run rooftops in a cape and spandex (the powers would be nice). I doubt that I’ll ever save anyone from a burning building. But I just want to do something that matters. I want someone to feel that Randy Burghdoff made their life better.

I look at the definition for a hero and I realize that I fall short. I doubt very much that my prowess is anything close to godlike, I doubt that my courage would be considered distinguished, my deeds to be defined as brave, or my qualities deemed noble. Some days I question if I’m the main character in anyone’s story, even my own. I would even bet that right about now I can’t even measure up to a piece of bread to most people.

I try to be a person that people can rely on. I give advice, I protect people I care about, I do everything I can to make people feel loved. I used to call these people my family. But I’m having many issues with that word lately. I have lived my life knowing only one person who is a blood relative. I have many people who have extended an invitation to be a part of their family. I have taken many invitations and have always been thankful for those people. But no matter what I’m told I find when the chips are down and when these people paint this picture of family, I’m not in it. I’ve spent so much of my life trying not to feel like I’m a charity case.

Last week, there were several times where the issue of adoption came out and what that means. That adoption is so much better because it means that we are chosen. I even made a mention that I felt that was true. But I’ve had several instances where I feel like I was chosen by default. Almost like the kid who was picked last in backyard football games.

I think the thing that kills me the most is that I don’t know anyone who can even begin to understand how I feel. People can claim they do… but they don’t.

I can only try to make others feel important and to continue as an unsung hero. Realize that maybe I’m not as important to some people in the way that they are important to me. Maybe I need to realize that no matter how much I want it or what my last name is or isn’t, there is no room for me in certain circles. I just thank God everyday that I have Melissa to make me feel important to at least one person. I really don’t know what I would do without her.

I wish that I could dive deeper into what is really troubling me, but I’ve learned that blogs no matter how private are just not a comfortable venue for my troubles. I will assume that those who care will talk to me about this. But I doubt that it will be anyone who is directly related to it. Pray for me to have a better attitude about this, I need to learn that being a hero isn’t about receiving love, it’s about making other people realize that they are loved. I need to love without strings attached. But most of all, I need to remember that God is my hero and loves me with no strings attached, even if everyone else falls short. I also need to remember that if blood means that we are related, then it’s through Christ’s blood that I need to find my family, not my own.

Take care,

Randy

It’s been awhile

{ 26/02/2008 @ 1:38 PM } · { Venting }
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Life is interesting… I’m trying to find my place in ministry. A place that I have called home and given my all to is now so far removed from me that I feel like a stranger amidst its halls. I have a new home that I am very satisfied with but there is tension in my home that is not undeserved… but I still feel bad about it. I have grown far apart from many of my close friends… and I’m incredibly close to becoming apathetic. I feel completely unmotivated in my school work. I want action, not more talk. Life is mediocre and insanely different. I’m looking for extraordinary and consistant. I’m in no mood to be descriptive and detailed about my life at this point because I lack the focus to do so. If you really care I would assume that you already know what is going on in my life. If I have overlooked some circumstances that leave you caring and oblivious to my status, you know how to get ahold of me. I’m much better at processing thoughts in conversation than in a html scripted diary.

Later,

Randy

 EDIT:

My use of the word mediocre was not to be synonimous with mundane or boring. Mediocre was meant in the context that I feel that things are not fruitful and are depressing rather than uplifting. I know well the ability to find God in silence and even amidst chaos. My feeling of God’s presence has not become numb. It is merely that my feeling for everything and everyone else has. My fire has been smothered and I desperately am searching for the kindling to spark it once more. I have often turned to friends and school to spark the flames before. But let’s be honest, those whom I have sought for guidance have either left me or the relationship has changed drastically. In most of my friendships I have felt to be the one who comforts and never the comforted. Do not misunderstand me in thinking that I dislike helping others, far from it. I consider that work to be my bread and butter, it is something that I enjoy and have been positively affirmed in doing; in both my ability and in my willingness. I just lack someone to admire and to guide me the way that I try to guide others. I rely on God first and foremost but actual human confirmation of your direction and decisions feels incredibly different. It may not be overall as gratifying as God’s affirmation, but it is still gratifying and something I am missing. Hope this explains some things.

Hey… Do I Know You?

{ 12/10/2007 @ 5:47 AM } · { Theology, Venting }
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So life has been more and more interesting lately. Many instances where I thought I was doing the right thing, but wasn’t doing it the right way… Those are definitely the moments that jerk life into perspective. I’ll assume that people know what I’m talking about and if they don’t then they really don’t need to know everything. The one thing I can share is that my name is Randy Burghdoff and I’m a screw up…. But I’m learning to take responsibility for those things and to make amends and hope that forgiveness is a word in people’s vocabulary. 

I’ve learned that when it comes to issues of gray, I am very black and white. I don’t see this as a negative trait. It makes decisions to be rather simple for me. Right is right, wrong is wrong…. I think conditions confuse this and ultimately are used as excuses or crutches. I have no specific examples to back this up… it’s just how I feel. The wonderful thing about that mindset is you can agree or disagree and I can care or not care. We all seem to have different things that move us and keep us in check. I seek truth… I don’t like to lie and I hate being lied to. So I try to be a very blunt and honest person. Most people I know, know this about me and understand that my honesty cuts through the fat and addresses the issue. Because the people who know me, know this, I am not one to strategize and tread softly… I am very much the kind of person to charge in headlong and knock anything in my way off to the side to reach the goal. Because people know me… they can see it coming and usually move the valuable things out of the way (such as pride, sensitivity, etc.) and just let me get to the point. But I have realized that in my comfort with those close to me… I have treated others who are not close to me in the same way. I trampled on their defences and charged my way into a situation where the person was not understanding of my action and was not ready to receive my words… instead I was met with someone who was broken down and distraught with the wake of my path and the confusion of my presence.

I justify such actions as holding someone accountable and trying to show them love, tough love…. but love nonetheless. But in the aftermath and the reconciliation I realized one key component in my quest, familiarity. It’s easy for me to show love in the ways of guidance… but without knowing the paths that people have tread… How can guidance even be explained? This is where my heart sank and I realized the error of my ways… not by the judgmental words of spectators. But by the tears and words of the innocent that I had scarred… How could I possibly hold accountable a person that I barely knew? I couldn’t and I couldn’t expect them to listen.

I’ll have you know that now I have seem my sin and am shameful of it… but I know that God is good and gracious. I also know that the one I have hurt is forgiving, much like her Father. We have been talking and getting to know each other. I think I’m doing it right this time…

For those of you reading this, take one thing from it if anything at all…. Knowing people is key to guiding people.

God Bless,

Randy

The Power of Prayer

{ 03/10/2007 @ 3:27 AM } · { Theology }
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It’s amazing to me how when I am lacking in some way, God has means of putting it into perspective from multiple angles. Recently, I have become stuck in a rut of relying on my own power to get things done. By the word “recently” I, of course, mean: “for as long as I can remember.” From what you can imagine, relying on such personal power has left me feeling drained, tired, stressed, and ultimately frustrated when my power fails me. But it also leaves me prideful, conceited, and egotistical when my power pushes me along. So either way of looking at it is bad. So why rely on myself? Good question… I still haven’t found that answer. Other than the atypical response of, “everybody else does it.”

So what do I do? Do I continue to walk the path of my own destruction? Do I admit defeat and cower beneath my rock of shame? Rather, do I ask for help in my endeavors and pray that such a help will revitalize my resolve and tip the scales in my favor. But how do I begin to request such help and from whom? Surely any other mere mortal would fail just as I would. Then therein lies the keywords, mortal and prayer. No one on the planet, including myself, has the power to do anything and everything. But God does. How do I request the help of such a powerful entity? Through prayer.

You see, the last few weeks has been nothing but a constant reminder to me that God is powerful and that God can deliver me from myself and the only way to plea to God to intervene is through prayer. Anyone reading this is probably thinking, “OK, that’s a good concept Randy and well done for figuring that out but it’s really no secret.” Which is entirely the point. When we lose contact with God, even the most simple and obvious of actions seem to escape us.

In this realization, I have found a new fire for prayer. I don’t say this to sound pious or to show off my walk. Quite frankly, many who make such statements make me question how well their walk really is, but that is not my topic as of now. I say this to get it out in the open and make it so others will see this and hold me accountable. If you so feel the need to, ask me how my prayer life is going. Ask me if I am holding true to it or if I’m venturing off on my own again. Ask me if there is anything in my life that I need prayer for and offer up things for me to pray about for you. We cannot fully grow together as God’s people if we aren’t willing to talk to each other and talk to God together.

Frank Weller is the new Senior Minister at South Lansing, my home church. He has made several trips to Northwest Haiti Christian Mission in his old ministry, which is an awesome twist seeing as how South has sent several people to that same mission, including myself. When I was in Haiti, they had a tower at the top on the mission with a room specifically design to be a prayer room and when groups were there every person was given an hour shift to pray in the prayer tower and the rotation was constant. So for the entire two week span of the trip, somebody was always praying. Which was a neat idea that someone was always in touch with God. But according to Frank, at 10AM everyday, everyone at the mission stops what they are doing for a few minutes and prays together. The whole mission in unison prays to God at the same time everyday. Frank charged us to join with our brothers and sisters in Haiti by praying everyday as a church at 10AM. Because even if we are not together in body, we are all together in spirit and we are all standing before our Almighty God. I have decided to do this as well. So far I have prayed at 10AM everyday since Sunday, which I know isn’t long but I am determined to stick with it. I ask that you all join me as well. Wherever you are at 10AM… you can bow your head and know that you and your brothers and sisters in and around Lansing and in Haiti are all in assembly with you before God and not even the barriers of distance can keep you away.

God Bless,

Randy