Hopefully the title makes you chuckle a little. I write this at a time in my life when many things are uncertain and I’m really reaching out for some clarity and direction. To many this is the first line of communication that I have thrown out in awhile. Hopefully someone still checks this blog, here it goes.
First, the most pressing change in my life is the fact that I’m moving on Monday. Due to a long series of events, Melissa and I are moving out of Runaway Bay and relocating to Mason. Some of you may wonder why Mason and where in Mason. The reason why we are moving to Mason is because currently, Melissa and I cannot afford an apartment on our own and GLCC does not have the room for us on campus. Our only real option to avoid homelessness is to accept the wonderful hospitality of a fellow South Lansing Christian Church member. She lives alone in a house literally 4 houses down from my Grandparents. She is willing to rent out her basement to us for pretty cheap. It’s not the most ideal of living situations… but it’s something and we are grateful to just have something.
Second, Melissa and I are drawing closer and closer for our time at GLCC to come to an end. I’m on schedule to graduate in May. Melissa is set to graduate as soon as she finishes this semester and take some online classes. The future in this regard scares me. I’ve always held that I would pass on Seminary and go straight to working. However, the job market isn’t great right now… even for the church. I have applied to one job opening. It’s a campus ministry staff position through InterVarsity. I already went through the preliminary phone interview. It was a pleasant experience and I’ve already been referred to the Michigan Branch Director and he has already responded asking for a face-to-face interview… 2 weeks before I was told he would even read my resume. This job, what I know of it, sounds like it is everything I could want for a ministry. I’d be working with a team of people at a secular college campus and have the opportunity to build relationships with a myriad of people with differing backgrounds and views. I would love to have this be my job. But I’m hesitant… because all InterVarsity staff have to raise their own support. I would fully have to rely on the generous giving of others to support myself and my family. I feel very conflicted with this. I trust God to care of me. I know that if I’m doing His work for His Kingdom… I’ll have exactly what I need. So what’s the problem?
Third, Melissa and I recently learned that we are expecting our first child. This is exciting but frightening. How can I place everything on a job with no guarantees? no security? Especially, when I have a wife and child to care for? I want so badly to just trust that this is what God wants me to do and then I’ll get the job and receive enough money to live. But what if God has other plans… I won’t be taken care of. People don’t take a job that doesn’t pay. But I’m not supposed to be like most people… I strive hard to not be like most people. Because most people are selfish and place their faith in earthly things that will decay and wither away… Jesus called me to live a life that goes against the grain. THIS is as against the grain that I have found… But I hesitate… why? Because it isn’t just about me. I made a vow to love, honor, and cherish my wife. As her husband, I am the person who is responsible for her. If I can’t provide for her needs (not her wants, but her needs) than do I fail as a husband? Babies are a lot of work and cost a lot of money to take care of… how can I deprive my child of the basic essentials for his/her life and development? This has plagued me for the last few weeks. I smile and say things are going to be fine… but I’m a liar. I don’t know things are going to be fine. Life has dictated at numerous occasions that though it’s ultimately for a great reason… life sucks. I know that isn’t a pretty, scholarly word oozing with taste and intelligence; but it really is the best word to describe what I’m feeling.
Let me be clear, I DO NOT regret this blessing. I couldn’t be happier to become a father and it has proven to be the best gift for Melissa. She is a mom. Some people are just made to be certain things. Hemingway was a writer, Roosevelt was a president, Melissa is a mother. If you could see the glimming hope that sparkles in those beautiful hazel eyes of hers, you would have no doubt that she wants nothing more than to have a child. I live to see Melissa have that hope.
The thing that is holding me back is just not knowing what to do. Melissa can’t graduate this year. It just can’t be done. We both want to graduate together and move on. But I fear that if I graduate and she has the baby… she’ll never finish. I can delay graduating and shoot to make my minor a major. This could allow us possibly to get back into married housing… which would remedy raising a baby in a basement of a house that is not my own. But that’s another year of tests, papers, classes… I don’t go to classes as it is because I’m just so tired of it. I hate school. I hate busywork. I hate learning about ministry and not applying it to the full extent that I know that I could if all the other busy work didn’t shackel me. Which translates to this, If I stay at GLCC another year… there is no way I can take the InterVarsity job or any other full time job. How do I support my family then?
I know this is alot that I’m griping about. I know that I’m more precious than birds and therefore my calculations of my worth to God are written in red letters across my thoughts that scream, “Stop worrying! Stop doubting! God is with you! What more is there?!” I guess my reason for this is to one, get it out of my head so I can sleep. Two, make those who care aware so that I can ask for prayer, because I need that more than anything. But three, I’m seeking sagely advice. Should I continue pushing for this InterVaristy thing? Should I stay in school another year? Should I just try a different job prospect? Anyone is welcome to weigh in.
I love you all. I want you to know that. With God I can do all things, but without family and friends I do things without knowing why. You guys are my guideposts, my support. I’m here begging and pleading… I need you now more than ever. Go in peace.
~Godspeed,
Randy
Jon Hatter Said:
on 12/02/2009 at 1:01 PM
Of course someone still reads this. I’ve click on this link every day wondering if you’ve posted.
Believe me when I tell that you, aside from the providing for a child thing, I know exactly what you’re going through. I was in the same situation when I finished up at Great Lakes (about to be married, no job, planning to go back to school, wondering how I was going to support my family), I’ll be in the same situation in about a year (married, graduating from college AGAIN, still no job, forcing my wife to leave her full-time job for who-knows-what), and then again a few years later (FINALLY graduating with my Masters and then hunting in an uncertain marked for a job I’ve been preparing for for about 10 years). I am constantly plagued by the fear that I’ll go through all this school and then, when I’m finally qualified, no one will have me.
But every time I think that I am reminded that God is faithful and works all things together for those he loves. He would not call someone to a specific ministry, prepare them for that ministry, and then shut all doors to that ministry. He might make you wait. He might make it difficult. But it will be there in His time.
I always told myself that if I didn’t get a job in ministry right away I’d just go to India (or some similar mission field) for 4-6 months and then come home a look again. It’s funny how plans like that change when you have a family to consider. That’s part of the challenge of marriage. But the joys more than make up for it. Congratulations again on the baby. May God remind you daily remind you daily of the love that caused you to take that vow, and may he protect and keep you both as you go through this time of trial. I love you both.
Jon